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" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

Dave Barry

You

Violence

Seeing

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" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

Dave Barry

Original

Days

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

Dave Barry

Empire

Now

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "