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" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

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" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "