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" There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier. "

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" It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. "

" If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. "

William Lyon Phelps

" If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. "

Tallulah Bankhead

" Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. "

Cathy Guisewite

" I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it. "

" If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents. "

" One man's folly is another man's wife. "

" Enjoy the little fun things - like taking your kids to school - before they're all grown up. "

" My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. "

" A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives or events that were painful, and I really have wracked my brain to figure it out. I pretty much have had a normal childhood. Maybe it was too normal. "

" I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. "

" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "

" I don't follow anything blindly. I have to know the entire thing, if I have to get in to it. It might sound funny to you, but it's like using English language. I use an English word only when I know its meaning and understand its connotation. You won't hear me say, 'What's up, dude' or anything like that just for the heck of it. "

" You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough. "

" I never said most of the things I said. "

" I'm good at being funny. "

" I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes. "

" Some of the best bad guys in movies are funny and charming. "

" Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. "

" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "

" Does it bother me that I'm attached to 'Three's Company' 30 years after? Not at all. All we were trying to do was be funny. How can I complain? That's all I wanted to do. "

" I don't mean to be funny. "

" They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that? "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" What most readers do not realize is that it takes a particular genius to write funny, to satirize. "

" I have never been hurt by what I have not said. "

Calvin Coolidge

" I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown. "

" If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. "