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" I never said most of the things I said. "

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" I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time. "

" I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. "

" I like having a beard. What's funny is when you shave a beard, you realize how freezing cold your face is! The primary purpose evolution-wise is to keep you warm, to grow hair on your face. You shave it off, and your face is freezing for a few days. "

" I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. But yes, I don't like to get Maudlin. And I have a tendency towards it. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" 'Copper' is my first period piece. It's funny because I've been doing a lot of episodes of 'Elementary' with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu; they keep bringing me back on the show, and so I go from being an outstanding black doctor to being a kind of hood, ex-car thief who went through rehab in 'Elementary.' "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" You can observe a lot by watching. "

" Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot. "

" I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. "

" I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question. "

" There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. "

" When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. "

Fork In The Road

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" It's funny how it usually works out that I end up dying. It sort of works out, because by the time I die, I'm usually tired of working on that particular movie, so I look forward to it. "

" I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you think that perhaps could become your sound, too. I did that with Hemingway, and I thought I was writing just like Hemingway. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me - he didn't have a sense of humor. I don't know anything he's written that's funny. "

" I love the funny and sweet moments I have with my cats, Jake and Frank, so I'm honored to be celebrating these moments at the Catdance Film Festival. "

" There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. "

Douglas Coupland

" As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children. "

" In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. "

" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. "

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. "

" It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. "

Arthur C. Clarke

" If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. "

" If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. "

" If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "