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" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

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" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "