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" When I was born I owed twelve dollars. "

George S. Kaufman

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" There's a misunderstanding about what nonsensical things are - the idea that they're just funny, and that's the beginning and the end of it. Nonsense is not 'not sense' - it operates at the edge of sense. It teems with sense - at the same time, it resists any kind of universal understanding. "

" One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself. "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" Most of my show is true; like, 90% of everything I say on stage is true. I just have to find the way to make it funny - that's the difficult thing. "

" We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. "

" It's funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I've had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it's just because they don't behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power. "

" Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? "

Robert Benchley

" My father was always a straight-up funny guy. He was silly. He was my inspiration. "

" Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "

Benjamin Franklin

" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "

Charlotte McKinney

" I never liked you, and I always will. "

" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "

" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "

" I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. "

" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. "

Sabrina Carpenter

" Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you're just unable to focus. "

Yuval Noah Harari

" I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. "

Paula Poundstone

" My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. "

" Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. "

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. "

" I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? "

" If my mother hadn't laughed at the funny things I did, I probably wouldn't be a comic actor. After she had her first heart attack, the doctor said, 'Try to make her laugh.' And that was the first time I tried to make anyone laugh. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? "

" I definitely started to perform a little bit in middle school, but not the typical musical/play route. I think that I am funny, but it was more of a social thing, where that was my part in my circle of friends. "

" We are all born mad. Some remain so. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" I run around my house naked with heels all the time. It's so funny. "

Mary-Kate Olsen