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" Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. "

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" There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier. "

" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "

" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "

" Art is the beautiful way of doing things. Science is the effective way of doing things. Business is the economic way of doing things. "

" Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax. "

Charles Kettering

" We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species. "

" When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. "

" All men are equal before fish. "

" Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. "

" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "

" I like being funny; I like laughing with people. "

" I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. "

" God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. "

Garrison Keillor

" A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. "

" The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. "

" My eyes are different sizes, my nose is too broad at the bridge and squishes up when I laugh, and my lips are sorta funny when I smile. "

" Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. "

" I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. "

Charles M. Schulz

" I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. "

" Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.' "

" If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. "

" Instant gratification takes too long. "

" The love we give away is the only love we keep. "

" The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. "

Terry Pratchett

" Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. "

" My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was if anybody had a problem with me, tell them to go to hell. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" I started writing 'Southern Baptist Sissies' right after I had written the screenplay for 'Sordid Lives', so that's when I started on a darker path in telling the truth about my journey in the church, but there was still a lot of funny. "