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" You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience. "

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" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?' "

" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

" I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad. "

" Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.' "

" I don't have a brother in real life. "

" Life is full of horrible mistakes. "

" I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed. "

" I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. "

" I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward. "

" When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.' "

" The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness. "

" A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody. "

" When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. "

" I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum. "

" I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' "

" When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "

" I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at. "

" When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes. "

" Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. "

" Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff. "

" To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. "

" Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people. "

" For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money. "

" If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't. "

" Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much. "

" Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on. "

" I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "