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" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "
" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "
" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "
" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "
" I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. "
" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "
" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "
" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "
" Humor is reason gone mad. "
" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "
" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "
I Was Born
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "
" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "
" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "
" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "
" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "
" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "
" Women should be obscene and not heard. "
" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "
" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "
" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "