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" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

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" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "

" I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. "

" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "

" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "

" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "

" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "