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" I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. "
Groucho Marx
Year
Got
Four
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" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "
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Me
Resignation
Will
" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "
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Time
Before
Boss
" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "
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Thirty
Days
You
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
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You
Closer
Held
" Women should be obscene and not heard. "
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Obscene
Heard
Women
" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
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Death
Trying
Forever
" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "
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Like
Up
Then
" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "
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Justice
Military
Music
" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
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Best Friend
Book
Dog
" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "
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Horse
Why
You
" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "
Groucho Marx
Keep
Hollywood
Away
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down
" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "
Groucho Marx
Club
Me
People
" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "
Groucho Marx
Looking
Finding
Art
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
Groucho Marx
Leaving
Weather
Raining
" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "
Groucho Marx
Buying
Hay
Horse
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
Groucho Marx
Bed
Medical
Taxi
" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "
Groucho Marx
Born
Very
I Was Born
" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "
Groucho Marx
Old
Woman
Only
" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
Groucho Marx
Today
Power
Me
" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "
Groucho Marx
Myself
Life
Mind
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
Groucho Marx
Either
Dead
He
" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "
Groucho Marx
Say
Important
Something
" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "
Groucho Marx
Library
Television
Say
" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "
Groucho Marx
Should
Done
Care
" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "
Groucho Marx
Started
America
Television
" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Had
Evening
Perfectly
" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "
Groucho Marx
Someone
Send
Funny
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Others
Principles
" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Me
Stop