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" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

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" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "

" Humor is reason gone mad. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "