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" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "
Groucho Marx
Library
Television
Say
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" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "
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" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "
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" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "
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" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
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" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
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" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "
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" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "
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" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "
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Someone
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" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "
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" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
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" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "
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Fair
Life
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" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "
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Who
Women
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" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "
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I See
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You
" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "
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Refuse
Club
Funny
" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
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Own
Eyes
Me
" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
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Book
Dog
" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "
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Old
Woman
Only
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
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You
Closer
Held
" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "
Groucho Marx
Looking
Finding
Art
" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "
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Justice
Military
Music
" Humor is reason gone mad. "
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Humor
Reason
Mad
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
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Like
Others
Principles
" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "
Groucho Marx
Say
Important
Something
" Room service? Send up a larger room. "
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Up
Larger
Room
" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "
Groucho Marx
Long
Getting Older
You
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "
Groucho Marx
Face
Never Forget
Never
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
Groucho Marx
Either
Dead
He
" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "
Groucho Marx
Myself
Life
Mind
" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "
Groucho Marx
Run
Find
Understand
" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "
Groucho Marx
Animal
Black
Cat