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" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "

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" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

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" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

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" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

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" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "

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" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "