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" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "
Groucho Marx
Old
Woman
Only
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" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "
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Intelligence
Military
Contradiction
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
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Like
Others
Principles
" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "
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Buying
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Horse
" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "
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Enough
Dance
Wives
" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "
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Live
Who
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" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "
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Time
Before
Boss
" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "
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Justice
Military
Music
" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "
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Write
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Half
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
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Either
Dead
He
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
Groucho Marx
Leaving
Weather
Raining
" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
Groucho Marx
Own
Eyes
Me
" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Evening
Wonderful
Had
" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "
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Library
Television
Say
" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "
Groucho Marx
Children
Anything
She
" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "
Groucho Marx
Mind
Club
You
" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "
Groucho Marx
Me
Resignation
Will
" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "
Groucho Marx
Wish
Contract
Our
" Women should be obscene and not heard. "
Groucho Marx
Obscene
Heard
Women
" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "
Groucho Marx
Keep
Hollywood
Away
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "
Groucho Marx
City
Relatives
Unhappy
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Looks
She
" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "
Groucho Marx
Club
Me
People
" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "
Groucho Marx
Myself
Life
Mind
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down
" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "
Groucho Marx
Man
Own
Women
" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "
Groucho Marx
Jury
Wedding
Judge
" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "
Groucho Marx
Should
Done
Care
" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "
Groucho Marx
Born
Very
I Was Born
" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Successful
Man
" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "
Groucho Marx
Does
Politics
Strange