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" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
Steven Wright
Me
Vacation
Baby
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" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "
Steven Wright
Joke
Interesting
Help
" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "
Steven Wright
Street
Money
One Day
" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
Steven Wright
Caught
Year
Line
" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "
Steven Wright
Karaoke
Arrested
" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "
Steven Wright
Tired
Day
Birthday
" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
Steven Wright
Worth
Penny
Someone
" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
Steven Wright
Life
You
Road
" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
Steven Wright
Me
Just
Here
" How young can you die of old age? "
Steven Wright
Young
Old
Die
" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
Steven Wright
Know
Audience
Everything
" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
Steven Wright
Shy
Myself
Me
" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "
Steven Wright
Real Life
Real
Life
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
Steven Wright
Watched
Indy
Left
" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "
Steven Wright
Body
Science Fiction
Science
" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "
Steven Wright
Back
I Think
Memories
" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
Steven Wright
Bank
Money
Going
" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "
Steven Wright
Doing
Art
Creative
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
Steven Wright
Seeing
You
Weird
" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "
Steven Wright
Watch
Thought
Night
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
Steven Wright
Work
You
Better
" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "
Steven Wright
Me
Other
Day
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
Steven Wright
Hand
Who
Those
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
Steven Wright
People
Live
Apartment
" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
Steven Wright
Extension
Cord
Invented
" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "
Steven Wright
Seen
World
You
" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "
Steven Wright
Mind
Remember
Three
" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "
Steven Wright
Much
Time
Bank
" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
Steven Wright
Door
You
Yes
" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "
Steven Wright
Down
Had
Out
" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
Steven Wright
Stop
Driving
Dizzy