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" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

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" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "