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" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "

" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "