Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

Related Quotes:

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "