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" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

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" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "