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" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "
Steven Wright
Watch
Thought
Night
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" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "
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" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "
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" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "
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" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "
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" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "
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" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "
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" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "
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Help
" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "
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Impossible
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World
" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
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Museums
Museum
" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "
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Anything
Buy
General
" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "
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Speed
Turn
You
" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "
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Ran
Down
Street
" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
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Childhood
Everything
Wrong
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
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Going
You
Would
" I invented the cordless extension cord. "
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Extension
Cord
Invented
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
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Face
School
Teacher
" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "
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Afraid
People
Me
" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
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Guy
Off
Talk
" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "
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Act
Stage
Off
" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "
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Chocolate
Sacrifice
Rest
" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "
Steven Wright
Subliminal
Second
Only
" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
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Think
Nobody
Nobody Cares
" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
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Me
Vacation
Baby
" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "
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Temperature
Room
Matter
" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "
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Worth
Penny
Someone
" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "
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Got
Weather
Tired
" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
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Country
Live
Skiing
" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
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Head
People
Reflection
" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
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Know
Audience
Everything