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" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

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" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "