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" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

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" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

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" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

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" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

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" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

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" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

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" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

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" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

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