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" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

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" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "

" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "