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" I think it's important to take chances. "

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" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "