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" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

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" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" I love 'Glee.' "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" I don't have email. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "