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" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

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" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "

" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "