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" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

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" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "

" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "

" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "

" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "

" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "