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" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

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" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "

" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "

" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "