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" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

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" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "

" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "

" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "