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" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "
Larry David
Shocked
Saw
People
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" I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' "
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" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "
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" Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. "
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" My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time. "
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" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "
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" I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' "
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" Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. "
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" Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. "
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" When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. "
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" I don't like to make a big splash anyway. "
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Make
Big
Anyway
" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "
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Pants
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Stores
" I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. "
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Hard
Tough
Miserable
" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "
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Three
Service
Acting
" Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. "
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Relationship
Precarious
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" Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. "
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Idea
Your
Breath
" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "
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Quiet
Shout
People
" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "
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Cab
Drove
Had
" Let's not forget, I got divorced. "
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Divorced
Got
Forget
" If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable. "
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Would
Golfer
Miserable
" Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens. "
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Name
Moving
Back
" At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. "
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Me
Thought
Character
" Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. "
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Me
Happens
Good
" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "
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Like
Feel
Mean
" It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy. "
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People
Were
Comedy
" Most people think I'm immodest. "
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Think
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" I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. "
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Tolerate
Like
People
" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "
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People
" I believe in something. "
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I Believe In
Believe
I Believe
" You know, I'm really not that bright. "
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You
Really
Know