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" The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch. "

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" I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous. "

" Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. "

" I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. "

" The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. "

" Drugs scared me. "

" Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally. "

" I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself. "

" I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. "

" It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. "

" I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after. "

" I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. "

" Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. "

" I am not honest. "

" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

" My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "