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" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

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" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

David Sedaris

Winning

Said

Morning

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

David Sedaris

Books

Will

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

David Sedaris

Reporter

New

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

David Sedaris

Movies

Everything

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

David Sedaris

Books

Nonfiction

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

David Sedaris

Lots

Things

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

David Sedaris

Iron

Listening

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "