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" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

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" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "

" I don't have email. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "