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" I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. "

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" In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield. "

" I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. "

" I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. "

" As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. "

" Every dogma has its day. "

Anthony Burgess

" Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. "

" I'm for whatever gets you through the night. "

" I think serial monogamy says it all. "

" Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. "

" It's funny. You travel all over the world, and you wind up with a guy from your hometown. "

" A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers. "

" The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.' "

Richard Branson

" It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art. "

" Life is hard. After all, it kills you. "

Katharine Hepburn

" The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. "

" If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. "

Judah Friedlander

" I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. "

" Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. "

Cathy Guisewite

" What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. "

Jerome K. Jerome

" To handle that stardom, the red carpets, the photo shoots, people all of a sudden recognizing you and following you in everyday life, it's a bit weird. It's strange, and it can have funny effects on you in terms of do you like it or don't you like it. Some people run away from it, some people embrace it; I found a good middle ground. "

" It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. "

" You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. "

" I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find it funny. "

" Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate. "

" I like children - fried. "

" I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. "