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" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "

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" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I intend to live forever. So far, so good. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "

" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "