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" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
Steven Wright
Ever
Get
Press
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" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
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" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "
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" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "
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" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "
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" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "
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" I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. "
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" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "
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" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "
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" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
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Friend
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I Can
" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
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Funny
Included
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" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "
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Wish
Bed
Death
" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
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Know
Audience
Everything
" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "
Steven Wright
Me
Just
Here
" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "
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Write
Writing
Reading
" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "
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Time
Breakfast
Renaissance
" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
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Head
People
Reflection
" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "
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Stop
Driving
Dizzy
" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
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Me
Vacation
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" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
Steven Wright
Country
Live
Skiing
" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
Steven Wright
Wave
Heat
You
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
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Too
Swimmer
Rest
" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
Steven Wright
Seeing
You
Weird
" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
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Me
Wonder
Just
" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "
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Down
Had
Out
" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "
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Classroom
Friends
Laugh
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
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Dead
End
Got
" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
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Think
Life
Looking
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
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Watched
Indy
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" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
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Laugh
People