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" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

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" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

Make A Difference

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "