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" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

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" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "