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All Quotes by author - Dennis Miller

" America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. "

" A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. "

" A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. "

" Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. "

" Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. "

" Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. "

" Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. "

" Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. "

" I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. "

" I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. "

" If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. "

" I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. "

" I lapsed into rude. "

" I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. "

" I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. "

" I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. "

" I rant, therefore I am. "

" It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. "

" I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. "

" Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. "

" Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. "

" Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. "

" Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. "

" Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? "

" Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. "

" Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. "

" One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. "

" Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. "

" Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. "

" President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. "

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