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" All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. "

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" People often can't separate, or can't understand, that to be funny is to be serious; it's a way of pulling people in and not scaring them off. I think a lot of the funny stuff, underneath it, there's a deep anxiety going on. "

" Some of the best bad guys in movies are funny and charming. "

" I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. "

" I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. "

" If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. "

" It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. "

Terry Pratchett

" I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. "

" Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. "

" Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "

Benjamin Franklin

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "

" There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. "

Henry Kissinger

" There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny. "

" I used to work at NASA in Virginia. It was nothing glamorous; I was just tasked with making code compile for obscure projects, and I wasn't very good at it. Now I spend most of my time drawing pictures and looking at funny things on the Internet, which in retrospect is largely what I did at my old job, too. "

" Never fight an inanimate object. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later. "

" I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. "

" I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. "

" One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. "

Franklin P. Jones

" Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. "

" I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. "

" You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. "

" You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. "

" My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. "