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" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

Steven Wright

Imagination

Thought

Feeling

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" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "

" At one point he decided enough was enough. "

Steven Wright

Decided

Enough

" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

Steven Wright

Speed

Dark

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

Steven Wright

Just

Here

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

Steven Wright

West

Internet

" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "

Steven Wright

Just

Life

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

Steven Wright

Myself

Doing

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "