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" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

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" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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