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" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
Steven Wright
Speed
Dark
OK
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" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "
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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
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" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
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" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
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" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
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" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
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" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "
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" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "
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" You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. "
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" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "
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" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "
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" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. "
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" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
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" I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. "
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" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "
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" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "
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Ran
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" It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "
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" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
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Face
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Teacher
" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "
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Laughs
Forest
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" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "
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" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "
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Fight
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" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "
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Seeing
You
Weird
" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "
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" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "
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" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "
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Canada
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" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "
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Stuff
Box
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" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
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Ever
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" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "
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" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "
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" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "
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Down
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