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" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "
Steven Wright
Kid
You
Train
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" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "
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Think
Life
Looking
" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. "
Steven Wright
Funny
Included
Some
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
Steven Wright
Decided
Enough
He
" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "
Steven Wright
Stop
Car
Gone
" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
Steven Wright
Head
People
Reflection
" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "
Steven Wright
Stuff
Box
Black
" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
Steven Wright
Childhood
Everything
Wrong
" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
Steven Wright
Been
Like
Selling
" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "
Steven Wright
Bible
Twice
Two
" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "
Steven Wright
See
God
Would
" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "
Steven Wright
Born
Television
End
" I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "
Steven Wright
You
Park
Place
" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "
Steven Wright
Mind
You
Love
" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "
Steven Wright
Me
Vacation
Baby
" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "
Steven Wright
Shy
Myself
Me
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
Steven Wright
Going
You
Would
" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "
Steven Wright
Wish
Bed
Death
" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
Steven Wright
Door
You
Yes
" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "
Steven Wright
Watched
Indy
Left
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
Steven Wright
Fun
Experience
Live
" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "
Steven Wright
Write
Writing
Reading
" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
Steven Wright
Speed
Dark
OK
" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "
Steven Wright
Me
Other
Day
" What's another word for Thesaurus? "
Steven Wright
Thesaurus
Funny
Another
" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "
Steven Wright
Thought
Poetry
Everything
" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "
Steven Wright
Same
Changed
" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "
Steven Wright
Now
Forgotten
Think
" I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. "
Steven Wright
Seen
World
You
" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
Steven Wright
Other
Museums
Museum
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
Steven Wright
Home
Car
Message