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" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

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" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

" When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "

" I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. "

" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. "

" Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "