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" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "

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" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "

" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "

" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. "

" My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "