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" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "
Steven Wright
Appears
Emotions
Everyone
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" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "
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" I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. "
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" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "
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" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
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" If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? "
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Speed
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You
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
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Curiosity
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" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "
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Good
Amazing
Experience
" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "
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Think
Nobody
Nobody Cares
" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "
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Thought
Poetry
Everything
" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "
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Much
Time
Bank
" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
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Shore
Standing
Fishing
" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
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People
Live
Apartment
" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
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Look
Circus
Guy
" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
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Life
You
Road
" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
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Me
Pet
Snakes
" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "
Steven Wright
Got
Weather
Tired
" I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "
Steven Wright
Subliminal
Second
Only
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
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Hand
Who
Those
" A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. "
Steven Wright
Afraid
People
Me
" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "
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Know
Reminisce
People
" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Radio
Would
" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
Steven Wright
Caught
Year
Line
" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
Steven Wright
Head
People
Reflection
" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "
Steven Wright
Mind
You
Love
" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "
Steven Wright
Jokes
Will
Predict
" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
Steven Wright
Car
He
Funeral
" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "
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Me
Other
Day
" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "
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Canada
You
Well
" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "
Steven Wright
Laughs
Forest
Joke
" At one point he decided enough was enough. "
Steven Wright
Decided
Enough
He