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" Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. "

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" When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. "

Steven Wright

Mind

Remember

Three

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

" What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. "

Steven Wright

Crazy

Matter

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

Steven Wright

Other

Day

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

Steven Wright

Shy

Myself

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" So, do you live around here often? "

" I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

Steven Wright

Only

Lights

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

Steven Wright

Karaoke

Arrested

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

Steven Wright

Speed

Dark