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" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

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" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. "

" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "

" I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. "

" I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. "

" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

" I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "

" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "